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the Choice, the Wait

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“Am I allowed to ask?”

“How long it has been? Yes. sure.”

“How long has it been?”

“Fifteen months.”

“Do you remember the last time?”

“Easier than I remember the first.”

“How so?”

“It started off with me feeling so full of something special that I was floating, everything blurring into each other with no boundaries and no specifics. Except the memories, of course. Those are always vivid. And the mind edits infinitely, so depending on the experience this is either a great blessing or a great curse. It ended with me feeling stupid and hollow and sunken. That doesn’t leave you either.”

“How long did it take you to get out of that dark place?”

“I haven’t. I’m not there yet.”

“Oh.”

“Celibacy doesn’t take away the insecurities or the emptiness. It doesn’t always bring you closure. But it stops you from experiencing the first blow over and over again, because you usually will. You will usually go to that dark place over and over again when you become intimate with someone, old or new.”

“Why are you celibate?”

“Because I have forgotten how to like myself without having someone like me like that. So I want to learn how to like myself as I am – without a label or status or an improvement of my outward appearance.”

s.ogugu
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