Creative Writing. / Collation  / Surviving


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Tonight, I will lie on my floor, curled up in fetal position and crying. There will be music playing so that my neighbours do not hear the loud sobbing. I will, for a few moments, feel ready to die. The welling up of all those unnamed feelings and unuttered words which I have been storing up all this time will gush forth forceful and unrelenting. I will wish, in the deepest darkness of this episode, that I could undo the past year of my life. I will rewind and write over the tapes of all the good things you did and said with bad intentions. I will walk through all the memories awash with alarm bells which I attempted to ignore at first, and then address as if I were dealing with a rational human being. Then I will finish with the absolute worst day climaxing at exactly 25 days ago, but I will not allow my mind to dwell on the details. I will say your name and my lips will be numb to the taste of its utterance. I will blame you for everything that went wrong that night, because I have analyzed every bit of what happened and realize that I was powerless to stop you from hurting me. I will cry tonight like I haven’t cried in a while. There will be no knocks on the door asking whether I am home and if dinner is ready. Mother is away. There will be no urgent meetings to rush to tomorrow with puffy eyes and lame excuses. No 6 a.m. alarm will remind me that I have an office to report to in the morning. Employment, as you had once pointed out, would not work out too well for me in the end. I will recall with a lot more detachment than I possessed before, that you had made many statement rife with meaning. This too will cause me to break down. I will cry and cry until the knot in my belly comes undone. I will cry so I can decide whether or not I will keep fighting to be rid of my anguish. Then I will pause for a moment and sit on the toilet. If I grow hungry, I will make popcorn, eat them with my tears and then watch something interesting on YouTube. Sometimes, I will search for phrases like “why did I not scream?” and “explaining fight flight freeze response” on Google. Some part of me will find consolation in the science behind the numerous articles I will find, save, and read online. Another part of me will die because it still does not undo what has been done. Then I will fold a towel over my pillow and cry until I fall asleep.

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