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I’m Sorry

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I didn’t mean to be cruel in my handling of your feelings. I grew up hearing that boys didn’t have any so I let my biases deal roughly with you. You were always so gentle with me – your manner, your tone, your hands, your words.

I should have said something when the girls talked about you like that. It was not in their place to have opinions about your life choices because, as far as I can see, you have none on theirs. I have known them all a long time and have grown accustomed to gossip because it makes me feel like less of a failure at everything. And on that day in particular, I wanted to see that you were also capable of coming short.

I would have been nicer to you if you were more civil. You’re always running your mouth and the end result is a lot like a blown bulb; shards of little and large pieces of glass whose pain will be inflicted in the present cleaning process and in future, quite by accident, when one little bit will be discovered by a stray foot. The damage you’ve dealt me will return to hurt me again and in turn hurt us in the future.

Your disapproval still wounds me. It always has. And I would like to pretend that it doesn’t because I am all grown now, but I cannot escape it. Even though I know that I am not likely to ever hear it, I still long to have you say that you are proud of me. Until then, I choose to stay away so it won’t hurt so much when you look at me.

Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes we renege on promises made and fall short and really make a mess of things. I had always been certain that you would let us down, but I beat you to it.

The day you said that I belonged to the wrong tribe, that her body was not the right fit for you and that I was always saying “No” is the day I decided that I would never love you.

I was hoping that you would give me another chance. I waited for you to call and composed messages I would never send. Then a building right next to where I live collapsed within itself and I stopped hoping. It had made the news and everyone called except you.

I am a difficult person to care for. I also feel very undeserving of you. So I act out and try to make you see that you cannot possibly want to be with me. But you sit there like a stubborn boulder and let my demons run free. I cannot thank you enough for doing that.

s.ogugu
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